It sounds strange, it sounds childish, that's not what we learned from fairy tales and love movies , but neither fits our beliefs about marriage , infatuation and the " happy ending " .
Does one not marry for love?
In some countries in East and Africa , marriages are arranged . Moreover, if one reviews the history , marriages in decades and centuries past have been agreements , religious, cultural , money , prestige, or even , some are designed in accordance with the astrological influences involved.
In the West?
Here works , in most cases, the romantic idea of meeting someone and Cupid the fleche . It is something like the " dream " of the prince and princess , and abounding in the mind of any single and unmarried. But the reality is different .
Susan Pease Gadoua a specialist in American marriage and divorce therapist , believes it is necessary to reflect on this ideal, because for her love can not be the main reason for joining a couple in marriage .
Author of books explaining how and rebuilding after divorce , has launched a real battle against the belief that love is " the reason " .
He argues that see only this view , means that one has resolved, at least , most of the vital needs of security , shelter , food ... Although , he also says that if one is to be concerned about the survival or economic security you can never find the man or woman of your dreams .
Your opinion column published it in writing in the Journal of American psychology , Psychology Today , where he shows how this romantic belief is outdated given the independence of women and the social acceptance of divorce . Because the opinion that although no see right admit, the interest in obtaining political and financial benefits have also been targeted in the West have led people to marry .
"I think our idea that love is the impulse that marriage has made to weaken the institution, because love is a changing emotion. When love fades marriage becomes unstable and stops when the romance , the marriage die , "writes Susan Pease Gadoua .
For this reason, concern aims to highlight the importance of people who marry , understand why love can not be the driving force leading to that decision.
To convince , lists other reasons , such as wanting to have children with a good partner and be a responsible parent , or, want to own financial security and the most humane thing says , is to want a good company.
On these actual and specific reasons , the therapist ensures that the joints will be more solvent and stable over time , as the legal relationship or commitment is based on defined goals and expectations not devised in air castles .
"In addition , expectations of marriage and family are more realistic. The spouse is not expected to be ' the superesposo " . Simply a woman or a man , good enough , " he explains.
He warns , however , that does not say that love should not be on the list of "things" present in a relationship, but is emphatic in pointing out that it does not have to be number one .
To the psychologist Carol Poblete Psychological Care Center Aliwen Reichian Psychotherapy Orientation , love goes beyond worldly interests that couples have in common and in this sense , the view that one is not smart if you marry for this reason or not.
Rather , he believes that if the love of family is not present, the everyday , decisions and solve problems differently, almost by " should be" or "what people say " .
" Marrying for whatever reason , it implies a commitment with you , with others and with the fruits of that commitment are the children , if they decide to have them. Although , there are couples that stay in a relationship for economic convenience is important to note that , in the absence of love, the passion of the first, will have consequences , "he says .
What are those consequences ? Infidelity , boredom, divorce.
For this reason , believes that self-love is essential to establish healthy relationships. Also, to put boundaries between one and the other and to make decisions when the relationship is not working as expected, or ultimately, when love , and took another turn .
So what should be checked or agreeing before making the decision of marriage? Said expert mainly when there is no pressure from any side to make .
" When you feel that person is going to do personally and as a couple , when they feel they are imperfect and as such will make mistakes and when they feel the love of the moment, will evolve and will have more meeting points that disagreements" he advises.
Poblete is that states that marriage can be the apex of the union of a couple but also implies the decrepitude of the relationship in either direction. Hence the importance of establishing common goals that are realistic .
"In doing so , they must maintain individuality and respect for the interests of each. But above all , they have to think about what they want to be and do as a human being , "explains Carol Poblete . That is, when each take charge and take responsibility for himself, as an individual and then relates , love , and understand the other you chose.
Why do not you just love?
The American therapist maintains his idea of overthrowing the romantic idea of marriage. These are the 4 key arguments :
1. Love is an emotion changing . As soon as you fall in love , you can lose love. Then the relationship ends or becomes toxic . If love is the main connection will be more likely that the union will end soon .
Two . Love is not a strong enough foundation. Yes, love is strong, but due to the fact that it can evaporate can not be the basis for a long-term relationship (especially when there are children involved ) . Any relationship built on love is subject only to ruin.
Three . Love is far from " everything you need." Mutual respect is necessary , share goals , be consistent in several areas make a relationship is sustainable and durable. People " falls in love with love," because they think it will take away , and is not.
April . The arguments are worth. Everyone wants to be loved and we love love. For the relationship is strong and healthy should have respect , shared goals , compatibility, love and attraction, but that part is optional.